Have you ever felt like you’re stuck in a loop, repeating the same relationship patterns over and over again?
You know, like you’re constantly drawn to the same kind of person who’s not quite right for you—like a moth to a flame—but no matter how many times you try to change it, you find yourself back in the same place?
Or maybe you keep finding yourself in friendships where you feel neglected, or at work where you’re either over-giving or pulling away.
If this sounds familiar, it’s possible that your attachment style is at the root of it all.
But the good news is, once you recognize the patterns, you can dampen the negative impact it may be having on your life – and that’s what I hope you’ll do after reading this.
What Are Attachment Styles? Let’s Break it Down
At this point, you may be wondering, “Okay, but what exactly is an attachment style?”
Simply put, it’s a pattern of behavior that forms early in life based on how we interacted with our caregivers.
These patterns affect the way we form connections with others throughout our lives—whether that’s in romantic relationships, friendships, or even at work. Think of it like the lens through which we view the world and relate to others.
Here are the four main attachment styles, explained in simple terms:
- Secure Attachment: These people are comfortable with intimacy, trust others, and can handle conflict without becoming overly anxious or distant. They usually have a good balance between closeness and independence.
- Anxious Attachment: People with this style crave closeness but often fear rejection. They may find themselves getting overly involved in relationships, sometimes becoming anxious or obsessive about their partner’s actions and feelings.
- Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant attachment tend to be emotionally distant. They often prioritize independence and might avoid intimacy to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable or controlled by others.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized): This style combines both anxious and avoidant traits. People with this attachment style crave connection but are terrified of being hurt, which causes them to push others away while also desperately wanting closeness.
How Attachment Styles Impact Your Life
Now that we know what attachment styles are, let’s talk about how they show up in our daily lives—especially in our relationships, work, and friendships.
Understanding these patterns can make a world of difference in how you show up for yourself and for others.
Love and Relationships: The Hidden Patterns That Control You
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that feels almost too familiar? Like, you end up dating the same person over and over, just with a different face?
That’s likely your attachment style driving your choices without you even realizing it.
For example, if you’re anxiously attached, you might be drawn to people who aren’t emotionally available, believing that the more you chase them, the more love you’ll get. But instead, you’re often left feeling frustrated, confused, or rejected.
But here’s the thing: once you understand your attachment style, you can start changing this pattern. If you recognize that you’re anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, you can take small steps to adjust your behaviors and find more balanced, fulfilling relationships.
For example:
- Anxious Attachments can benefit from learning how to self-soothe and become more comfortable with emotional independence, rather than relying solely on external validation.
- Avoidant Attachments should practice being open with their feelings and allowing themselves to trust others without pushing them away.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachments may need to focus on healing past wounds and gradually build trust with their partners, while accepting that vulnerability is part of healthy relationships.
Superpower at Work:
Each attachment style has its strengths, too!
For instance, people with anxious attachment styles can be incredibly empathetic and hardworking—they care deeply about doing things right, and they’re great at nurturing relationships.
On the flip side, they might overthink or take on too much responsibility at work, leading to burnout. By recognizing their anxious tendencies, they can learn to set boundaries and focus on self-care.
For dismissive avoidant individuals, their ability to stay emotionally detached can make them great at staying calm under pressure and focusing on tasks without getting bogged down by emotions.
Their superpower is their ability to work independently, but they might struggle with team dynamics or giving feedback. With awareness, they can work on becoming more collaborative and open with coworkers.
Attachment Styles and Friendships: Can We Really Be Close?
Friendships are often where attachment styles show up most clearly. If you’re anxiously attached, you may find yourself constantly reaching out to friends for reassurance, or feeling hurt when they don’t respond right away. You might even find yourself “over-giving” in friendships, hoping that by doing more, you’ll feel secure and validated.
If you’re avoidantly attached, you may keep your friends at arm’s length, not letting them in emotionally. You may feel overwhelmed when someone tries to get too close, or even find yourself withdrawing when things start to get too deep.
For example:
- Anxious Friends might text repeatedly or feel hurt if a friend doesn’t reach out as often as they’d like. They can benefit from practicing more independence and learning to enjoy time alone without feeling abandoned.
- Avoidant Friends may avoid heavy emotional conversations and can seem distant, even though they value their friendships deeply. They can practice being more open about their needs and sharing their feelings, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Superpower in Friendships:
Anxiously attached people are often very nurturing, always willing to lend a helping hand or offer emotional support when needed. Avoidants are great at being self-sufficient and staying calm during stressful situations, which can be helpful when a friend needs advice or support.
But both styles, when overdone, can lead to imbalanced relationships, so learning to balance emotional openness and personal space is key.
Sex and Attachment Styles: What You Need to Know
Sex can look very different depending on your attachment style. Here’s a deeper look:
- Anxious Attachment: For those with anxious attachment, sex is often intertwined with emotional validation. They might feel that physical intimacy is a way to feel loved and secure. They can get attached to their partner’s touch and attention, and may become upset if they feel neglected sexually. Their turn-ons might include physical closeness and affection, while their turn-offs are emotional withdrawal or feeling abandoned.
- Avoidant Attachment: People with avoidant attachment may experience sex as something to avoid unless it’s on their own terms. Physical intimacy might feel vulnerable or threatening, so they may withdraw when things get too intimate or intense. Their turn-ons include sexual freedom and detachment, while their turn-offs are anything that feels like emotional entanglement or pressure to connect emotionally.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with this style often have mixed feelings about sex, craving connection but fearing emotional vulnerability. They may experience difficulty in being present during intimacy, or they might fluctuate between pushing someone away and wanting to be closer. Their turn-ons include emotional closeness, but they can quickly turn off if they feel they’re being smothered.
Superpower in the Bedroom:
Anxious people tend to be very attuned to their partner’s needs and can be very passionate lovers. Avoidants, on the other hand, are good at creating space and can be very independent in the bedroom, which can be a plus for partners who appreciate space.
Fearful-avoidants, while sometimes struggling with intimacy, are deeply aware of their partner’s feelings and can be very intuitive about what their partner needs emotionally.
Practical Steps to Change Your Attachment Style
If you’re ready to start changing your attachment patterns, here are three practical steps you can take:
- Notice the Small Moments: In your daily interactions, start paying attention to when your attachment style shows up. For instance, if you’re dismissive avoidant, practice keeping eye contact and offering comfort to someone who’s upset, rather than distancing yourself. If you’re anxious preoccupied, try picking up a hobby that helps you feel comfortable being alone and practicing self-reliance.
- Daily Journaling: Every evening, reflect on your day and notice when your attachment style was triggered. Write down your thoughts and feelings to better understand how your style shows up. This daily habit helps you gain awareness of your patterns so you can address them more proactively.
- Seek Therapy or Counseling: If you’re ready for deeper work, therapy can be a great tool to help you dig into your attachment style and work through any unresolved issues. A therapist can guide you through healing and developing healthier patterns of attachment.
Want to Dive Deeper?
If you’re curious to discover more about your attachment style and how it shapes your relationships, take these quizzes to gain valuable insights:
Understanding your attachment style isn’t just about identifying patterns—it’s about gaining the tools to create better, more fulfilling connections in every area of your life.
By becoming more aware, you can start making conscious changes that lead to healthier relationships, both with others and with yourself.