Cheating can feel like the ultimate betrayal. It can tear apart everything you’ve worked for in a relationship, and the pain can seem unbearable.
But here’s some good news: rebuilding trust after cheating is possible, and there’s actually a lot of hope for couples who are committed to healing together.
Let’s start with some stats for perspective:
- 20-40% of divorces are attributed to infidelity, according to the American Psychological Association (APA).
- A study by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) found that 88% of couples who went through infidelity listed it as a major factor in their breakup—but many of these relationships only had one partner cheat, meaning that healing was still possible for the other partner.
- Interestingly, 31% of married couples say they would stay in the relationship and try to make it work, despite an affair, according to a Gallup poll.
- Under 30 and over 70? You’re less likely to divorce after cheating compared to those in their 50s and 60s.
In fact, according to an infographic on infidelity statistics, 52.4% of people surveyed in a relationship would tell their partner about infidelity within a week. However, only 29% of those in marriages would be upfront about it so quickly.
While this shows a tendency toward secrecy, it also highlights that there’s a willingness to confess and address the issue. It’s never too late to rebuild trust if both partners are ready to work at it.
The fact is, rebuilding trust after cheating is challenging, but it’s far from impossible. While not every relationship will survive infidelity, many do—and can even become stronger than before. Let’s break down how to rebuild that trust, step by step, so you can begin to heal.
Acknowledge the Hurt: The First Step to Healing
The emotional fallout from cheating is heavy. The foundation of trust is cracked, and there’s a lot of pain to process. The first thing both partners need to do is acknowledge the hurt—both the betrayed partner and the one who cheated.
It’s tempting to sweep things under the rug and pretend everything is okay. But Sadia Khan, a relationship expert, puts it perfectly: “You can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge.”
Ignoring the pain won’t make it disappear, and it certainly won’t help anyone move forward.
For the betrayed partner, it’s so important to express how you feel—whether that’s sadness, anger, or disappointment. For the cheater, it’s about understanding the depth of that pain and taking responsibility for it.
Don’t minimise what happened or pretend it didn’t hurt as much as it did. Acknowledging the hurt is your first step toward rebuilding the relationship.
Take Emily and Tom, for example. When Emily found out that Tom had been texting another woman, she initially tried to downplay it. But the hurt didn’t go away until Tom acknowledged how deeply he had hurt her.
Only then could they begin healing.
Forgiveness: Letting Go and Moving Forward
Forgiveness is a huge part of rebuilding trust—but it doesn’t mean you forget what happened or pretend it’s no big deal. Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment so you can heal and move forward together.
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, says that forgiveness is a process. “The wounded partner will feel the stirrings of new faith only after multiple proofs of trustworthiness.” In other words, forgiveness takes time. It’s not an instant decision—it’s something that has to be earned over time through the actions of the cheater.
Sadia Khan also emphasizes that forgiveness has to be real: “Only forgive if you’re not going to use the remainder of the relationship to punish him. If you’re going to forgive and then be angry, furious, bring it up, swear at him—just leave. It’s easier.” If you’re going to forgive, commit to the process of healing. Holding on to anger and resentment won’t help either of you move forward.
Sarah and Mike are a perfect example. After Sarah discovered Mike had cheated, she felt devastated. But she decided to forgive him—only after he consistently showed through his actions that he was truly sorry and committed to change. Forgiveness allowed her to start the healing process, but only because Mike proved himself time and time again.
Transparency: The Key to Rebuilding Trust
If you’re going to rebuild trust after cheating, honesty is non-negotiable. Dr. Robert Weiss, a psychotherapist, talks about “rigorous honesty,” which means no half-truths, no hiding, and no evading tough conversations. The cheater must be completely open about what happened—and the betrayed partner must be able to ask questions and get answers without feeling judged.
Ryan and Laura’s story shows how important transparency is. After Ryan cheated, Laura demanded full honesty—not just about the affair, but about anything that could affect their relationship in the future.
Ryan had to be open and vulnerable about his mistakes, and that vulnerability was crucial for Laura to begin trusting him again.
Coping with the Intense Emotions of Betrayal
Cheating can stir up a storm of emotions, and those emotions need to be acknowledged and processed. It’s normal to feel hurt, angry, or even confused after betrayal. The most important thing is not to bottle up those feelings.
Here’s how to cope with the emotional rollercoaster:
- Acknowledge your feelings: Don’t suppress your anger or sadness. It’s okay to feel upset.
- Express yourself: Write it down, talk it out with a friend, or even engage in physical activities to release some of that tension.
- Seek support: Therapy can be incredibly helpful, especially if you’re having trouble navigating your emotions. Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage therapist, suggests couples therapy as a great way to process the intense feelings brought on by cheating and to begin rebuilding the relationship.
Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself and your partner.
Earning Trust: The Long-Term Commitment
Trust isn’t rebuilt in a day—it takes consistent action over time. Dr. Yael Schonbrun, a clinical psychologist, explains that trust is earned through ongoing positive behavior.
Both partners have to actively work toward rebuilding the relationship—especially the one who cheated.
Mike didn’t just say “I’m sorry” and expect everything to be fine. He proved his commitment to Sarah through consistent, positive actions.
He was open, transparent, and attended therapy with her. Over time, those actions showed Sarah that he was serious about earning back her trust.
Don’t Focus on the Details: Why It’s Harmful to Obsess
If you’ve been cheated on, it’s tempting to want to know every little detail about the affair. But experts like Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis strongly recommend against this. Digging for details won’t help you heal—it will only hurt you more.
Why? Focusing on the specifics can:
- Trigger fresh emotional pain and keep you stuck in the past.
- Make forgiveness harder because you’re constantly reliving the betrayal.
- Divert attention from rebuilding because you’re too focused on the past instead of moving forward.
Instead, focus on understanding why the affair happened, what both of you need moving forward, and how to prevent it from happening again.
Focus on the Present and Future, Not the Past
Dr. John Gottman says that after an affair, both partners need to attune to each other’s emotional needs. This means paying attention to each other, validating feelings, and being present in the relationship.
You can’t change what happened in the past, but you can control how you move forward together.
Emily and Tom, after acknowledging the betrayal, focused on rebuilding their relationship. They worked on improving communication and emotional intimacy, which helped them reconnect over time.
The Role of Therapy: Professional Help Can Make a Difference
Rebuilding trust after cheating isn’t something you have to do alone. Therapy can make a world of difference. Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis recommends couples therapy as a great way to work through infidelity. Therapy gives you a structured, safe space to express your feelings, learn new ways of communicating, and rebuild trust together.
Ryan and Laura went to therapy to work through their issues. With the therapist’s help, they were able to communicate more openly and rebuild their relationship.
Conclusion: Rebuilding Trust Is Possible
Rebuilding trust after cheating is tough—but not impossible. It takes both partners showing up, being patient, and being committed to doing the hard work of healing.
With transparency, forgiveness, and consistent effort, many couples emerge from infidelity stronger than before.
So, if you’re in a relationship affected by cheating, take heart. It’s a long road, but with time, commitment, and effort, you can rebuild the trust and move forward together.