Dating today is harder than ever. Between endless swipes, mixed signals, and “situationships,” it can feel impossible to know whether someone genuinely wants a relationship or is just passing time.
But research in psychology and relationship science suggests there’s one simple, direct question that cuts through the confusion:
“What does a healthy relationship look like to you?”
This isn’t small talk — it’s a question that reveals their values, goals, and mindset almost instantly.
Why This Question Works (Backed by Research)
-
It activates self-disclosure.
Research by Laurenceau, Barrett & Pietromonaco (1998) shows that deeper self-disclosure builds intimacy and trust. When asked about their version of a healthy relationship, most people reveal genuine priorities — even unintentionally. -
It bypasses rehearsed answers.
“What are you looking for?” is easy to dodge with vague responses like “I’m just seeing where it goes.” But when asked what a healthy relationship looks like, people must describe behaviors, not just labels. That makes it harder to fake. -
It exposes alignment (or lack of it).
Studies in relationship compatibility (Eastwick et al., 2012) show that values and expectations matter more than attraction alone. Their answer tells you if they see commitment, communication, and growth the same way you do.
How to Ask Without Making It Awkward
Delivery is everything. This isn’t an interrogation — it’s curiosity.
-
Keep it light: “I’m curious — what does a healthy relationship look like to you?”
-
Ask in context: Bring it up when talking about friends’ relationships, family dynamics, or even TV couples.
-
Be open yourself: Share your own answer — vulnerability invites vulnerability (Brown, 2015, Daring Greatly).
How to Interpret the Answer
-
Specific + value-driven answers
If they talk about respect, consistency, communication, or teamwork — those are strong signs they’ve reflected on relationships. -
Vague answers
If they say, “I don’t know, I just go with the flow” — that often signals lack of clarity or readiness. -
Performance answers
If the answer feels rehearsed (“honesty, loyalty, trust”) without examples, pay attention. Research on impression management (Leary & Kowalski, 1990) shows people often say what they think you want to hear. Look for whether their actions line up.
Why Timing Matters
Asking this early doesn’t scare off the right person — it filters out the wrong ones.
Therapists often note that heartbreak comes not from rejection itself, but from investing months into someone who never had the same vision in the first place.
Clarity saves time, energy, and emotional bandwidth.
👉🏻 Your Takeaway: Stop Guessing, Start Asking
Instead of decoding texts or obsessing over “mixed signals,” ask the question research supports:
“What does a healthy relationship look like to you?”
Their answer reveals not just intentions, but values, readiness, and compatibility.
Because the real dating power move isn’t waiting to see how things unfold — it’s finding out early whether you’re on the same page.
